Returnjourney’s Weblog

If this is it, I may cry.
October 1, 2008, 6:19 pm
Filed under: economy, Husbands, marriage, mothers, separation, stress, Uncategorized, venting

The last few weeks have been hell.

My DH has been in California since the beginning of July trying to earn enough money to get a rental house for us and get us over there.  It hasn’t been going so well, to put it lightly.  This used to be a job that earned us a six-figure salary but during the summer the times are always lean and we knew that.  Since he has been there, they leads have virtually dried up.  What leads he gets, he sells but his boss hasn’t paid the full commision on these jobs, something about there not being enough money.  I don’t understand how that can be since DH is bidding the jobs the way his boss tells him to.  So basically we haven’t seen a normal sized paycheck since July.  Most of his paycheck gets poured down his gas tank, $400 a week is what it costs to drive all over SoCal.

I am working for my mother part-time and I am making $250 a week.  This, needless to say, barely covers the necessities.  Electricity and water are running $250 a month so I have to buget for that, plus internet since I am going to school online (to help us get out of this mess) that runs $40 a month.  The only splurge we have it cable and that is $50.  So that is $390 a month in bills.  That means I have to take $98 a week out right off the top.  I also put $25 a week away for a rainy day.  There goes 1/2 my check.  Now it is $75 to fill my tank up so that leaves another $75 to feed and clothe myself and the kids.

Did I mention that we have car payments?  Well, those haven’t been getting paid so everytime I look outside I am more than a little relieved to see that my car is still in the driveway and not towed away by the repo man.  Car insurance?  We used to have that but that falls under the heading of “More Shit We Can No Longer Afford”.  We don’t have health insurance so of course, we all need to see the doctor.  Isn’t that the way it works?

Last week, the lights were shut off because I didn’t budget enough.  I had to ask for an advance from my paycheck to get the lights turned back on so last week I didn’t get a paycheck and this week I won’t get a paycheck.  Now my car needs brakes so I will be using that paycheck to get brakes.  I had to file for Food Stamps.  I hope we get approved.  If we don’t, I don’t know how I will get the kids winter clothes.

Our backs are so far up against the wall, my husband is contemplating re-enlisting in the military.  The thought of this makes me sick because I know that he will be deployed and there is the chance that he won’t make it back.  He has applied everywhere but no one is hiring.  Not Home Depot, not Lowe’s, nowhere.

Now my mother is on my back.  She has always been on my back about certain things but this last fight just takes the cake.  For the last 10 years she has wanted me to go back to school.  As soon as I enroll and get everything situated, I tell her.  The first words out of her mouth?  “We wanted to help but you waited to long.”  WTF?  I didn’t ask for help, I just wanted a pat on the back!  Since I am pursuing a degree in psychology I know that I will be continuing on with grad school.  But since I am not as dumb as I look, I have also looked into jobs that I qualify for with a BS in psych.  I have also considered getting a certification for substitute teaching while I purse my Masters.  Mother thinks that I am not being practical because I vetoed her idea of becoming a special ed teacher.  That started WW3.

I will just give you the highlights:

1.  She thinks I don’t take responsibility for my actions.

2.  She thinks that I am just like Aunt Nancy (this would be her now deceased sister whom she thinks made every dumb decision in the book)

3.  If it wasn’t for her we would be homeless.  This is true however, I go out of my way to help them when i am here so I think this is just a low blow.

Here are the grievances I have against my mom.

1. David was always her favorite.  This has been confirmed, she said it herself.  I am not trying to take away anything from my brother.  He graduated college and he has a good job.  Good for him.  What I don’t need to hear, especially now, is how smart he is, and how he is making all the right choices, and how she is so proud of him.  By saying that , she is essentially saying the exact opposite about me.

2. She never spent time with us as kids and now that I have my own children, I am trying to do the opposite of what she has done.  And when we are on better financial footing, I think we have a pretty awesome little family.

3.  I hate the way she will tell me little tales of how smart one person or another was.  I try to not be defensive but I am starting to take them as little digs.  It is as if she is pointing out how smart someone else is and how stupid and irresponsible I am.

4.  I am sick and tired of hearing her talk about my husband.  He is my husband and I am the only person allowed to bitch about him.  Got it?  seriously, I don’t need someone else telling me what Eric needs to do or not do.  He/we are doing everything that we know how to do.  Now get off our backs!

Am I overreacting?  Maybe.  But right now I am doing the best I can with what I have.  These are crappy times my friend, crappy times.  The best I can do is muddle through and hope I don’t die from a stress induced heart attack in the meantime.